Where did this pound come from?

I do this.  If my weight is not what I expect, I start thinking of reasons...my hair is wet, I had a lot of salt yesterday, it's later in the day.  Anything excuse other than...maybe I just ate a little too much this week.

Banana Ice Cream

This deserves it's own blog.  Did you know that you can make ice cream from nothing but bananas?  I didn't and supposedly it's really good.  Definitely something I plan to try out.

http://www.thekitchn.com/magic-one-ingredient-ice-cream-5-ways-peanut-butter-nutella-and-more-171618#

Fear

My task from my therapist this week is to answer the question "why am I afraid to lose weight?"  In the past, I will lose weight to a certain point and then ultimately fall off my diet and regain it.  I believe this is due to psychological reasons rather than a loss of will power or desire.  I reach a certain point where I no longer feel safe and secure.  So, my job is to figure out what is going on in my brain to bring on these feelings.
What normally happens in my life is I get tired of being overweight and decide to diet.

I lose weight pretty well and drop pounds.

Then, without warning, I lose all control and begin to gain again. I am driven by a desire to eat and you cannot stop even though I am re-gaining all that weight I worked so hard to lose.

Eventually I begin the cycle all over again and the results are the same.
It feels like when my weight approaches a certain point, I stop feeling fat. This is when fear takes over and causes me to revert to bad eating habits. The fear so strong that I can't overcome it.  Oftentimes, a lot of bingeing occurs.

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I have thought a lot about this question this week and have come to the conclusion that more than one reason is the cause behind this.  The general reason is that I have a deep-seated fear of what will happen when I lose all those pounds.  But, I also came up with a list of some more specific reasons.

1. I fear attention.  I've never liked being the center of attention and I feel that being overweight, I'm often overlooked and ignored. This includes attention from men.  Being overweight makes me feel safe and secure from that unwanted attention. 
2. I fear failure.  I feel like, if I managed to get to (or close to my goal weight) everyone would be watching and expecting me to gain it all back.
3. I fear that I don't deserve to be at a healthy weight. 
4. I fear growing up.  I feel like being overweight gives me an excuse to not accept being an adult.  It gives me an excuse to avoid challenges and/or responsibility.
5. I fear that losing weight might force me to open my eyes to my life and make other changes like my career and friends.
6. I fear excess hanging skin. 
7. I fear being seen and therefore judged.
8. I fear the loss of food as a drug and a hiding place from the difficulties of life.
9.  I fear that my personality would change.  I fear of becoming someone that I truly do not like.
10.  I also fear that my looks would change and I would be truly ugly.
11. I fear that weight loss may equal loss of excuses. If I lose weight, I might lose some of the excuses I have used to hide from life. I've tied many problems to being fat: "I would be more confident as a thin person", "I would be more outgoing thinner", "I would be more active".  I fear being out there and doing more.  Weight gives me excuses of why I can't do certain things.
12. My biggest fear is probably the unknown.  I've been overweight all my life and I don't know how to be a healthy/thin/normal person.  I don't know who or what I would be without the fat to hide behind. My entire identity is "the fat friend" or the "fat family member".  If I'm not that, who am I?  Who would I be?

The truth is that I need to tell myself everyday that: "I am getting thinner, I am getting healthier, I am working hard for this, I DESERVE THIS." Mental workouts are just as important as the physical workouts.

What will I eat today?

Even after two years of therapy, my thoughts are often on food and what my next meal will be.  My therapist is always pointing out that I will have addictive thoughts my whole life.  Kind of like an alcoholic, I will always be "in recover", not "recovered".  But, sometimes it can be frustrating and/or saddening.  I wish I thought of food like a "normal" person - something used for nourishment rather than something I daydream and dwell on throughout the day.

If this doesn't gross you out...

If this doesn't gross you out, I don't know what will.  Just the fact that 20 lbs of fat is that much yellow goop inside my body is totally disgusting to me.  Granted, I've known what fat looks like for years and it hasn't helped me lose weight.  Maybe I need to print out and tape this picture on my refrigerator.

I'll start tomorrow

I don't know how many times I have said and done this exact thing.  It all feeds into the "I will start my diet tomorrow" personality.  It's at the heart of my addiction.  The feeling of needing to give up certain foods forever to be on a "diet".  And, it's the essence of why "diets" don't work.  It really is all about learning how to eat healthy and making that a lifelong commitment.  And, if you feel like that reese's peanut butter cup, have one...but learn to make a well-adjusted decision and not make it about feeding your addiction.

Dieting and Cleaning

Seriously though, cleaning is a good way to burn a few extra calories a day.  It won't make a huge dent, but any movement is better than sitting in front of the TV.