Fear

My task from my therapist this week is to answer the question "why am I afraid to lose weight?"  In the past, I will lose weight to a certain point and then ultimately fall off my diet and regain it.  I believe this is due to psychological reasons rather than a loss of will power or desire.  I reach a certain point where I no longer feel safe and secure.  So, my job is to figure out what is going on in my brain to bring on these feelings.
What normally happens in my life is I get tired of being overweight and decide to diet.

I lose weight pretty well and drop pounds.

Then, without warning, I lose all control and begin to gain again. I am driven by a desire to eat and you cannot stop even though I am re-gaining all that weight I worked so hard to lose.

Eventually I begin the cycle all over again and the results are the same.
It feels like when my weight approaches a certain point, I stop feeling fat. This is when fear takes over and causes me to revert to bad eating habits. The fear so strong that I can't overcome it.  Oftentimes, a lot of bingeing occurs.

-----------------------------------
I have thought a lot about this question this week and have come to the conclusion that more than one reason is the cause behind this.  The general reason is that I have a deep-seated fear of what will happen when I lose all those pounds.  But, I also came up with a list of some more specific reasons.

1. I fear attention.  I've never liked being the center of attention and I feel that being overweight, I'm often overlooked and ignored. This includes attention from men.  Being overweight makes me feel safe and secure from that unwanted attention. 
2. I fear failure.  I feel like, if I managed to get to (or close to my goal weight) everyone would be watching and expecting me to gain it all back.
3. I fear that I don't deserve to be at a healthy weight. 
4. I fear growing up.  I feel like being overweight gives me an excuse to not accept being an adult.  It gives me an excuse to avoid challenges and/or responsibility.
5. I fear that losing weight might force me to open my eyes to my life and make other changes like my career and friends.
6. I fear excess hanging skin. 
7. I fear being seen and therefore judged.
8. I fear the loss of food as a drug and a hiding place from the difficulties of life.
9.  I fear that my personality would change.  I fear of becoming someone that I truly do not like.
10.  I also fear that my looks would change and I would be truly ugly.
11. I fear that weight loss may equal loss of excuses. If I lose weight, I might lose some of the excuses I have used to hide from life. I've tied many problems to being fat: "I would be more confident as a thin person", "I would be more outgoing thinner", "I would be more active".  I fear being out there and doing more.  Weight gives me excuses of why I can't do certain things.
12. My biggest fear is probably the unknown.  I've been overweight all my life and I don't know how to be a healthy/thin/normal person.  I don't know who or what I would be without the fat to hide behind. My entire identity is "the fat friend" or the "fat family member".  If I'm not that, who am I?  Who would I be?

The truth is that I need to tell myself everyday that: "I am getting thinner, I am getting healthier, I am working hard for this, I DESERVE THIS." Mental workouts are just as important as the physical workouts.