Where did this pound come from?

I do this.  If my weight is not what I expect, I start thinking of reasons...my hair is wet, I had a lot of salt yesterday, it's later in the day.  Anything excuse other than...maybe I just ate a little too much this week.

Banana Ice Cream

This deserves it's own blog.  Did you know that you can make ice cream from nothing but bananas?  I didn't and supposedly it's really good.  Definitely something I plan to try out.

http://www.thekitchn.com/magic-one-ingredient-ice-cream-5-ways-peanut-butter-nutella-and-more-171618#

Fear

My task from my therapist this week is to answer the question "why am I afraid to lose weight?"  In the past, I will lose weight to a certain point and then ultimately fall off my diet and regain it.  I believe this is due to psychological reasons rather than a loss of will power or desire.  I reach a certain point where I no longer feel safe and secure.  So, my job is to figure out what is going on in my brain to bring on these feelings.
What normally happens in my life is I get tired of being overweight and decide to diet.

I lose weight pretty well and drop pounds.

Then, without warning, I lose all control and begin to gain again. I am driven by a desire to eat and you cannot stop even though I am re-gaining all that weight I worked so hard to lose.

Eventually I begin the cycle all over again and the results are the same.
It feels like when my weight approaches a certain point, I stop feeling fat. This is when fear takes over and causes me to revert to bad eating habits. The fear so strong that I can't overcome it.  Oftentimes, a lot of bingeing occurs.

-----------------------------------
I have thought a lot about this question this week and have come to the conclusion that more than one reason is the cause behind this.  The general reason is that I have a deep-seated fear of what will happen when I lose all those pounds.  But, I also came up with a list of some more specific reasons.

1. I fear attention.  I've never liked being the center of attention and I feel that being overweight, I'm often overlooked and ignored. This includes attention from men.  Being overweight makes me feel safe and secure from that unwanted attention. 
2. I fear failure.  I feel like, if I managed to get to (or close to my goal weight) everyone would be watching and expecting me to gain it all back.
3. I fear that I don't deserve to be at a healthy weight. 
4. I fear growing up.  I feel like being overweight gives me an excuse to not accept being an adult.  It gives me an excuse to avoid challenges and/or responsibility.
5. I fear that losing weight might force me to open my eyes to my life and make other changes like my career and friends.
6. I fear excess hanging skin. 
7. I fear being seen and therefore judged.
8. I fear the loss of food as a drug and a hiding place from the difficulties of life.
9.  I fear that my personality would change.  I fear of becoming someone that I truly do not like.
10.  I also fear that my looks would change and I would be truly ugly.
11. I fear that weight loss may equal loss of excuses. If I lose weight, I might lose some of the excuses I have used to hide from life. I've tied many problems to being fat: "I would be more confident as a thin person", "I would be more outgoing thinner", "I would be more active".  I fear being out there and doing more.  Weight gives me excuses of why I can't do certain things.
12. My biggest fear is probably the unknown.  I've been overweight all my life and I don't know how to be a healthy/thin/normal person.  I don't know who or what I would be without the fat to hide behind. My entire identity is "the fat friend" or the "fat family member".  If I'm not that, who am I?  Who would I be?

The truth is that I need to tell myself everyday that: "I am getting thinner, I am getting healthier, I am working hard for this, I DESERVE THIS." Mental workouts are just as important as the physical workouts.

What will I eat today?

Even after two years of therapy, my thoughts are often on food and what my next meal will be.  My therapist is always pointing out that I will have addictive thoughts my whole life.  Kind of like an alcoholic, I will always be "in recover", not "recovered".  But, sometimes it can be frustrating and/or saddening.  I wish I thought of food like a "normal" person - something used for nourishment rather than something I daydream and dwell on throughout the day.

If this doesn't gross you out...

If this doesn't gross you out, I don't know what will.  Just the fact that 20 lbs of fat is that much yellow goop inside my body is totally disgusting to me.  Granted, I've known what fat looks like for years and it hasn't helped me lose weight.  Maybe I need to print out and tape this picture on my refrigerator.

I'll start tomorrow

I don't know how many times I have said and done this exact thing.  It all feeds into the "I will start my diet tomorrow" personality.  It's at the heart of my addiction.  The feeling of needing to give up certain foods forever to be on a "diet".  And, it's the essence of why "diets" don't work.  It really is all about learning how to eat healthy and making that a lifelong commitment.  And, if you feel like that reese's peanut butter cup, have one...but learn to make a well-adjusted decision and not make it about feeding your addiction.

Dieting and Cleaning

Seriously though, cleaning is a good way to burn a few extra calories a day.  It won't make a huge dent, but any movement is better than sitting in front of the TV.

The New Veterinarian Diet

The New Veterinarian Diet.  The vets have known for a long time that the "cone of shame" is the real way to keep dogs...and people....from getting into things they shouldn't.  :)

Weight Discrimination

An interesting article but, whew....the comments are scary.

http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2012/05/weight-stereotyping-the-secret-way-people-are-judging-you-based-on-your-body-glamour-june-2012

Clearly, Something Is Eating Me

This picture could be me.  Whenever I'm stressed, depressed, happy, sad, angry, bored, you name it...food was my go-to.  It's a work in progress, but I'm slowly learning to deal with my emotions instead of eating them.  It's taken 2 years of therapy, plenty of tears, and a lot of anger, but I feel like I'm on the right path.  I'm definitely not perfect.  I had a binge last week.  But, I managed to stop myself in the midst of it and get control before it got too out of hand.  That's a lot different than what would have happened 2 years ago. 

Soda....bad....

I have a HUGE diet coke addiction.  I feel like I can't make it through the day without it.  I've tried, mulitple times to stop drinking it.  I know that it's not good for me.  I also know that it can make it harder to lose weight, even though it's, zero calories. I know all that, but I still can't resist.  I think it's because it's one of the few sweet things I know I can enjoy without having to worry about how many calories it has.  I will just keep working on reducing and maybe someday, I will stop putting this horrible, toxic concoction into my body.

Ewww....bathing suits

I need to go bathing suit shopping.  I don't know anyone but teenagers or those with exceptional model-like bodies who like bathing suit shopping.  I, personally, dread the experience...knowing that no matter what I wear I will not like how I look in it.  Still, it is a task that must be accomplished.  So, I will stand tall and brave and delve into the scary abyss that is known as swimwear.

I wish they made long-sleeved, long-panted bathing suits.

Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

It's odd to be writing a letter to you but I think it’s way past time that I did this. It just occurred to me that I owe you an apology and I've owed you this apology for most of my life. So here it goes.

I know that you care about me. You carry me through everyday. Without you I couldn't write, talk, dance, run, laugh or smile. You are so nice to me and you put all your energy and time into me so I can do what I want to do. After all your hard work, all you ask for is to treat you nice and take care so you can live a long life and I haven't even done that.

I’m sorry that I’ve hated you. I’m sorry that I’ve cursed at you for being fat. I'm sorry that I was upset that you were never as perfect as I wished you could be. I'm sorry that I complained about my features, my arms, my legs and every other part of you. I'm sorry that I never looked in the mirror and saw you as the beautiful thing that made me...well...me. I’m sorry that I wished you were different when all you ever were was good to me. And, I’m sorry that I compared you to others when I should have been praising your uniqueness.

I’m sorry that I starved you when you needed food but I was determined to lose weight as fast as I could. I'm sorry for not giving you the exericse that you so deserved because I was too embarassed to do so. I'm sorry for not listening to you when you said you were full and I kept eating anyway. I'm sorry for punishing you with laxatives, water pills and purging when you weren't doing what I wish you were.

You’ve always been there for me, doing what you needed to even though I wasn't able to.

Legs: You’ve always been strong and taken me wherever I needed to go even as I piled on the pounds and dismayed at the dimples.

Arms: You held and carried and lifted for me, even as I complained about your wobbliness.

Face: I'm sorry for lamenting in your imperfections and double chins instead of praising your beauty.

And belly: I think I’ve been the worst to you. I’ve hated you since I could remember. When you started to stick out and I realized I would never have a completely flat stomach like so many other girls did. I have loathed you for that and I’m sorry. You gave me the most precious gift I could ever ask for: my children.

So I now say “Thank you” with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for doing your best all
these years while enduring my negativity. Thank you for loving me back when I didn’t love
you.

Love always,
Me

6 Steps to Low Carb

I'm not on a formal diet, but I am trying to cut down on carbs.  I thought this was good information:

6.Steps to Eating Low Carb
1. Stop Drinking Sugary Beverages
For those who drink them, sugary beverages have a lot of negatives. Most sugary drinks have very little nutritional value, and they don't do a good job of filling you up. For example, 100 calories from apple juice would leave you hungrier than if you ate 100 calories worth of an actual apple. Therefore, you may be inclined to consume more "empty calories."

2. Start Eating More Vegetables
Surprised? Don't be. People usually greatly increase the amount of vegetables they eat when they begin a low-carb way of eating. My recommendation is to start doing this first. Which vegetables? Not the starchy ones, such as corn and potatoes, but the non-starchy veggies, such as greens, cauliflower, avocado, mushrooms -- in fact, most vegetables do not have much usable carbohydrate.

3. Start Eating More Fat
I can hear the cries of protest now, but hear me out! Yes, people who eat a diet that's lower in carbohydrate usually eat more fats. But believe it or not, this is a good thing. Fats fill us up, and make it less likely that we will overeat, especially in conjunction with consuming less carbohydrate (a diet that is high in carbs and fat is probably not a good idea). We need fats for our bodies to run smoothly. And there is absolutely no reason to think that adding fats to our diet is a bad thing. Even leaving the debate on saturated fats aside, you can add fats from such sources as olive oil, nuts, avocado, fatty fish, and flax seeds.

4. Make sure you are Getting Enough Protein
Check on your protein intake to be sure you are getting enough, and don't be afraid to experiment with adding more. The National Academy of Science says we can safely eat up to 35% of our diet as protein, and truth be told, protein tends to be self-limiting -- in other words, it's really hard to eat too much.

5. Go for Quality over Quantity
As you are increasing your vegetables, protein, and healthy fats, cut down on the portion sizes of your high carb foods. Did you know that in Italy people eat about a cup of al dente (slightly firm) pasta in a meal? Just because the restaurant down the street brings you a giant plate of pasta doesn't mean that's a good portion size. Half a cup of potatoes or rice is a standard serving size. Get out measuring cup and become acquainted with how much a true portion is.
At the same time, don't waste the carbs on boring or less-than-delicious food. Have a 2 x 2-inch piece of a really great cake, or a small scoop of premium ice cream. One square of really good chocolate can satisfy better than a big low-grade chocolate bar.

6. Choose Brown over White
Select brown rice instead of white rice, and whole wheat bread instead of white. Also, when possible, eat your grains whole instead of ground up into flour. Some people find a "no white diet" to be an easy way to cut back on carbs -- no potatoes, white rice, white sugar, or white flour.

Today

Today I choose to love myself regardless of what others think of me. When words hurt I will remember they can only hurt me if I allow them to.  I will be strong, make better choices and live for myself! I want to feel good about me, not what others want but for what I want. I will show the world who I am not what others perceive me to be. I choose to see myself asIi see the beauty in others and forgive myself for mistakes, pain, truths, and putting myself last. I will no longer let others, mirrors or myself make me feel as though I'm not good enough. My beauty is my own and nobody else can or will ever be me! My love, heart and friendship can only be changed, or given by my choice not others. From this day forward I will realize, know, accept, believe and follow my dreams for me.

Who Am I?

Who am I?  What gives me the right to talk about eating disorders and dieting? 

Dieting:  Well, I've been dieting my whole life.  Okay, not a complete truth, I think my first diet was about age 7.  So, almost my whole life.  That covers my experience in dieting, see my previous post about all the diets I've tried.

Eating Disorders:  I've been in therapy the last 2 years for eating disorders.  I was diagnosed in 2009 with Compulsive Overeating, Binge-Eating Disorder and Bulimia.  Not a fun combination.  I  sometimes almost wish I had Anorexia so I wouldn't eat, but it's just a different form of what I already have.  It just bites the big one that thin people are accepted by society, but those packing extra pounds are scorned and though to be lazy, stupid and ugly.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results

“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”

Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V.

I walk down another street.

Facebook Page

I created a facebook page to try to keep up on journaling...check it out here:

https://www.facebook.com/DysfunctionalDieting

Scale Battle

This is a problem for me, especially with my eating disorders.  I can keep my bulimia in check if I'm not dieting, but as soon as I go on a diet, I start in with the laxatives, fiber pills and purging.  If that scale doesn't move, if I don't show a loss each and every day, I will cave and purge.  Or, I should say that was the way I used to be.  I still have thoughts of purging, pills and whatnot to help keep my weight in check.  But, I'm happy to say, after 2 years of therapy, I have gained a lot of control over this part of my eating disorder.  Now that I'm finally back to trying to lose weight, I'm hoping that I can continue to maintain control and not give in to those urges.

Addicted to Dieting?

I've been dieting all my life. Seriously, for as long as I can remember, except for a few months off here and there, I've dieted in one form or another. It got me thinking about how many diets I've tried, so I found a list of all diets. Here are the ones I've tried (many of which I did multiple times). Even reading through the list was hard. Every time I came across one I hadn't tried I was tempted to read on about how it was done and give it a try. Could I be addicted to dieting? Even now I'm tempted to go back and try some again.



100 Calorie Diet
1200 Calorie Diet
1500 Calorie Diet
20/20 Diet
21 Pounds in 21 Days
3 Apple a Day Diet
3 Day Diet
3 Hour Diet
4 Day Diet
5 Day Miracle Diet
6 Week Body Makeover
7 Day Diet
18 Pounds in 4 Days
80 10 10 Diet
Apple Cider Vinegar Diet
Atkins Diet
Banana Diet
Biggest Loser Club
Body Detoxifying Diet
Body for Life
Cabbage Soup Diet
California Shake Diet
Calorie Restriction
Cambridge Diet
Carbohydrate Addicts
Chocolate Diet
Cookie Diet
Core Balance Diet
Curves Diet
DASH Diet
Doctor's Orders
Duke Diet
Eat This, Not That
eDiets
Elimination Diets
Fast Food Diet
Fat Flush Diet
Fat Smash Diet
Food Guide Pyramid - MyPyramid (2005)
French Women Don't Get Fat
Frozen Food Diets
Fruit Flush
Gluten-Free Diet
Glycemic Index Diets
Grapefruit Diet
High Protein Diets
Hollywood Diet
Jenny Craig
Jillian Michaels
Juice Diet
Kimkins Diet
LA Weight Loss
Lactose Interolance
Lemonade Diet
Liquid Diets
Low Carb Diets
Low Fat Diets
Mayo Clinic Diet (fad)
Medifast
Mediterranean Diet
No S Diet
No White Foods Diet
NutriSystem
Oatmeal Diet
Peanut Butter Diet
Raw Food Diet
Rice Diet
Richard Simmons
Scarsdale Diet
Slim Fast
Sonoma Diet
South Beach Diet
SparkPeople
Special K Diet
Subway Diet
Sugar Busters
Suzanne Somers Diet
Volumetrics
Weight Watchers
Zone Diet